a realisation

i am sick..yet again.
i am sick and there is only one more day till holidays..
roar..i am not happy..but such is life :)
~~~

today, i finally got the answer.
the answer to why i doubt myself..
in the present, i doubt myself in piano - this is because last exam, i almost failed. i have never failed something in my life before...apart from one science test. and i think i am scared of failing, because i suppose i feel like by failing something, the consequences are not even thinkable. i mean, wouldnt killing myself be easier than facing the fact that i have failed? If i fail (piano), i will have to repeat the whole grade, and i really cant imagine doing that...it would be a disappointment to me, teacher and most of all my mum.i wont lie, i have high expectations. but im not even expecting high....a B+ is fine by me...i will be THRILLED to get a B+....a C+?? not so much...

when i almost failed my english speech, that almost lost me. how can i already be failed english? weve only had one assessment task? it cant be possible..

as you grow older, you advance to higher year levels, you go through vce and i have learnt to lower my expectations...but i somehow cant..i think im trapped in a mindset where i have to do well...and i know my mum would say that you know, as long as you try your hardest...thats all anyone can ask from you..............but i always ask for more. i think now that i am older, if i dont do well in something, my mum wont be the one to yell at me, she wont be the one to teach me lessons.....not anymore.....its me. i just cant get past myself. i try, but i just cant. its too hard.
and you know, im trying....im making slow progress - but atleast im getting somewhere.

so the next time i fail, i know that its just another obstacle to get through..its not worth dwelling, because there are so many more other opportunities to go for and strive for the best...which i know i can. one day, i can treat failing as a passing, because after all, you learn from your mistakes.


and i am